One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
