i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
