I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
