Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize