The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
