Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
