after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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