Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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