I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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