my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Randomize
