So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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