Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize