I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
