It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
