i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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