i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
So much Jack, so little girl.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
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