im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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