Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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