Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
