I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
