I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
organizing the empties. That sober.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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