New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
