everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
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