when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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