Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Randomize
