Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
