i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
