My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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