I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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