So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize