I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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