Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
