my soul wont recognize me after tonight
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
