everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
True college students do jello shots in the library
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
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