my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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