Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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