when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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