Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
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