how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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