What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
