I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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