My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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