Betty ford says i'm here all night
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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