We're like a lot better than the average bears
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize