Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
