So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
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