see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Randomize
