I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
