your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
