That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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