dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Randomize
