I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
