Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
