Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Randomize
