Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
