NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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