the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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