What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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