I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize
