she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
