You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
