i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Randomize
