She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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