i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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