I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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