just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
