I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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