filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
