I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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