you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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